Jennifer Johnson Is Sick of Being Single: A Novel by Heather McElhatton

By Heather McElhatton

A depraved comedy concerning the perils of creating your goals come actual Quirky, shrewdpermanent, cubicle-bound Jennifer Johnson is determined. each person round her is getting married, whereas she's nonetheless unmarried and fixed writing advert replica approximately men's gown socks. Her lifestyles hits challenge point, launching her right into a humiliating and painfully hilarious quest to discover Prince fascinating at any price. This contains agonizing on-line dates, diet-clinic cults, drag-queen fights, and a debilitating habit to Cinnabon icing. whilst she meets good-looking, prosperous Brad Keller, she wonders if he is the reply to all her goals, or is he simply too reliable to be real? Darkly humorous and outrageously sincere, McElhatton's wit shines during this no-holds-barred cautionary story approximately getting what you want—and the way it should be the worst factor for you.

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Jennifer Johnson Is Sick of Being Single: A Novel

A depraved comedy concerning the perils of constructing your desires come real Quirky, smart, cubicle-bound Jennifer Johnson is determined. all people round her is getting married, whereas she's nonetheless unmarried and fixed writing advert replica approximately men's costume socks. Her lifestyles hits main issue point, launching her right into a humiliating and painfully hilarious quest to discover Prince captivating at any expense.

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I have my arms clamped so hard to my sides it hurts. I take out my phone and surreptitiously text-message Christopher, begging him to bring me deodorant. The strobes keep flashing and the girls strike different poses. In a way, it’s easier to shoot plus-size models; it goes more quickly because there are fewer pose options. There’s no jumping in the air or squatting for these girls. There’s no hugging each other or crossing their arms, nothing that squishes arm fat. There are no serious expressions.

No, no, no. I forgot it was today. Ashley’s back. I should have stapled a Post-it note to my forehead last night that said: crazy back monday. enjoy freedoms now. Ashley is my boss, and she makes me nervous. She’s a year younger than me and she looks like a TV anchor or one of those women on a pharmaceutical commercial or a young televange­ list’s wife. She has perfect Aqua Net hair and wears tight bro­ cade vests and sugary pastel shirts. She’s alternately sweet as pie and then viper-sting vengeful.

At work the next morning I sit in the parking lot and try to pull myself together before I go inside, while the painful echo of BigKev saying lose a little weight is playing on a continuous loop in my head. I have this piercing dehydration/humiliation headache and I look like I’ve been in a small fistfight. I used an antipuff serum and calming facial wash, along with three dif­ ferent kinds of cover-up, but what I really need is some spackle and a trowel. I can’t stop thinking about David. I know he was a bastard, but besides that, he was perfect for me.

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Jennifer Johnson Is Sick of Being Single: A Novel by Heather McElhatton
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